self hatred is often just masked pride

Proverbs 15:32-He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.

Shame is prides cloak-William Blake

Pride, hiding out as shame, makes differing words and counsel un-receivable. Shame, not identified as the pride it is, makes the giving of counsel, and it's giver, unable to be perceived as anything but an assaulter, which is often not the case. Ones pride masked as shame makes everyone else the problem, which means the real issue is never addressed, and often gets protected from being so, by the false assignment of calling it shame, instead of the pride it is.

As a christian, to despise yourself, often stems from a need and commitment to a higher view of oneself than God holds. This context makes gained understanding not worth having, because receiving it would be an admission to your inherent need, striking at the heart of the pride itself. This is why, in your unidentified pride, someone loving you enough to discipline you with the truth can only be treated as an assault. Self righteousness most always looks like defensiveness, resistance, and passive aggressive attack.

Below are insightful comments on this issue from my friend Evy Brooks-

"but he wears this despise in such a way that he presents himself proud as a peacock because he can't even understand that he despises himself

and in this posture of self-deluded pride, he rejects the Lord but doesn't understand this either because the target of you/your words is close and easy

and so he denies himself of the very thing he proudly believes he is pursuing and defending,

which creates distance, walls, and ultimately he heads home with his greatest fear self-fulfilled: he is alone and ugly.

but you are the one who wears those names in his eyes, and you feel the loss he protects himself from."

"Where your treasure is, there will your heart (and ears) be also" Matthew 6:21

Elizabeth Elliot - "The more we pay for advice the more we are likely to listen to it. Advice from a friend which is free we may take or leave. Advice from a consultant we have paid much for personally, we are more likely to accept, but it is still our choice; we can take it or leave it. But the guidance of God is different. First of all, we do not come to God asking for advice, but for God's will and that is not optional. And God's fee is the highest one of all; it costs everything. To ask for the guidance of God requires abandonment. We no longer say, ‘If I trust you, you will give me such and such.' Instead, we must say, ‘I trust you. Give or withhold from me whatever you choose.' As John Newton says, ‘What you will. When you will. How you will.'"